Feeling the Heat

Some wilt in the heat of this great big country ..they buy all sorts of air coolers and air conditioners to chill out but not the Tartly...no he's a man that's been in some rather hot and sticky situations over the years and he seems to relish the dripping sweat pouring from his body...no artifical cooling for me..its just not needed'''ive been to the interior of this great brown land and strolled most of its deserts...the canning stock route and the Kimberly...most average Australian's have never left the suburbs net alone their own city and yet profess they are great Aussies yet you see them holed up in the bricks and mortar on a 30 degree day bleating about how hot it is and when will the cool change come?? Sure i have a few tricks to cope and I dont mind sharing them with my loyal readership and devotees...my three must do's are keep the crown jewels cool, an ice pack is a good idea in the tried and true budgie smugglers , back off the dry Martini's as that can lead to dehydration and invest in a Kaftan...air flow is most important..a great old trick I learned from the Saharan bedouins...thats how to survive the heat my friends. Tartly Roud

New Years Eve

I must admit that the young of mind Tartly quite enjoys the prospect of New Years Eve,not necessarily the excess of drinking and the mandatory cavorting but more importantly the outrageous New Years Eve resolutions by the masses ..me thinks it quite hilarious... the lunatic who smokes 2 packets of cigarettes a day and drinks 4 litres of Coca Cola who will abstain from the dreaded durries and motor cleaning fluid in the new year and the hugely fat and particularly ugly real estate agent will go on that new lemon diet and shed the weight of much loved draught horse but still be an obnoxious looking tosser...but lets not get all caught up in the ranting of these life changers...the reality is that a young fox like Tartly can still muster the energy and verve to hit the tiles with a well preened coiffure and please the ladies both orally and physically at every level..Yes the New Years Eve has been a happy hunting ground and no i don't make any ludicrous new years resolutions apart from declaring my penchant for more dirty dancing and less of the square dancing..Tartly Roud

On the High Seas

This time of year brings back great memories of sailing and the great ocean voyages that i have made over the years, the young energetic Tartly liked to get his feet wet and challenge mother nature on the big wide expanse..yes the roaring 40,s and the Cape Horn were part of my baptism into the Parthenon of greatness in the sailing world..Australia has produced some great semen and the like of Bertrand and Lexan are among them and not forgetting that lovable icon James Hardy who also knew how to make a great drop of red, though i remember dearly wrestling a big bold Shiraz near the Bermuda triangle but that's another story for another day i suspect...anyway i digress sailing is in my blood and the things one man experiences alone at night in the deepest darkest abyss is where you truly find the soul of a man and believe me its a tough lonely assignment and most average people wouldn't survive the ordeal...though the boat shoes,lovely polo's and smoking the pipe in the stiff sou wester brings warm memories and almost a salty tear to the Tartly eye...Tartly Roud

Reality T.V

One thing that seems to be pervading our every day lives is the advent of the Reality Television Shows with the most brain dead people on this planet or worse still b grade celebs that have fame for doing something that would barely rate a mention on page 25 of your local paper,they sit around a house and explore their paper thin personalities with all they can muster...its beyond pathetic and i only hope and pray that an Iranian Nuclear bomb land on this building and destroy every languishing chromosome of all these nuff nuffs...if not i would sincerely wish that they are all enlisted into a real war zone and do something that is of value for their country and provide some genuine entertainment for us the viewers...Afghanistan or Iraq would be fantastic and if thats not possible maybe Somalia...is that too much to ask??..i think not.. Tartly Roud

Music to Mine Ears

Some music today is distressing to the ears and more so some of the so called artists that perpetuate this cacophony of noise that bombards our airwaves and H.D television sets...sure i am a man of modernity and am quite of fay with the latest in gadgetry but as far as I'm aware there is no effective filter to stop this blight on mankind..what i do is turn the nob or push the button and good night Gracie...why Glenn Miller and his big band aren't serenading us or Engelbert Humpindink isn't on tour i truly lament..though i think Glenn Miller may be departed which makes its a little hard to tour...anyway i digress...i am particularly disturbed by such avant garde so called musicians like Amy Whine House....frankly she is a wigged mess and would seem rather fight than have a feast...it appears where ever she goes big trouble follows.. though i do appreciate a svelt woman who can handle her liquor and has a strong right hook...Tartly Roud

Tea for Two

why is is that few people understand culture and its true value,one thing that i find most annoying is the rapid growth of coffee houses like Gloria Jeans, the Coffee club and the so called experts that no everything about coffee beans..why don't these cretins just get a life and do something of value with their lives...what does it matter if its Arabica beans, and where it comes from....whether its Africa,Brasil,New Guinea or Australia..who cares? I don't...you see the connoisseurs advising Barista's on how to pack a cone and ask what sort of grind and how long roasted...blah blah blah..they are buffoons and wouldn't really no a bean pod from the bean pole...I take tea and forget about those lattes and short macciata's..taking tea is what one does when you understand your place in the world..you will only never ever see our beloved queen supping on a soy honey latte thank god but will always see her majesty sitting down enjoying a relaxing brew of tea. We Tea lovers drink from silver ware and detest paper cups and still refer to Sri Lanka as Ceylon...its all about culture and tradition and oh yes a healthy Tartly Roud prostate...Tartly Roud

The Christmas Gift

Many of my close friends always ask me why i am so popular and such a lover of Christmas and gift giving, yes its true that Tartly does get quite excited this time of year..the frivolity and cheer is almost overwhelming but what saddens me is some of the pathetic gifts that are given to me at Christmas time,yes i know its all about giving but seriously some of the presents I've been given over the years are nothing but atrocious...most people would throw these out but not I, i love the thought of someone having something I find abhorrent...yes the old Tartly loves to regift.I personally think its a rare talent and not many are very good at it but me thinks I'm the master,I even reuse the paper and cards where possible...as they say one man's trash is another mans treasure and my trash will be gifted this Christmas which saves both money and rubbish removal fees...Tartly Roud

The Movie Star

What never ceases to amaze me is how our world is orbiting around the Hollywood Movie Star and filum celebrities,its doesn't matter if its Nicole Kidman,Russell Crow,Morgan Freeman or the inimitable Lizzy Taylor, lets not forget that these people pretend to be someone or something for a living and get paid millions of dollars for doing so ...what is sad and truly pathetic is that they are placed on pedestals above all other people on this planet and lauded like gods..in actual fact most are pathetic, neurotic attention seeking misfits that crave every little amount of attention they can get..magazines,posters, T.V interviews, Blogs and so on......they basically want attention and adoration when they demand it and when they are falling about the gutter ,staggering to the car full of drugs and and lord knows, the devil's liquor then they claim its a disgrace to intrude on their privacy..i say people who pretend for a living and are attending gliterati events, wipe your face before the bulbs start flashing...Tartly Roud

The Pedigree

In my world, breeding is everything..well i dont mean necessarily sexual intercourse but genetics are so important in ones character and pleasant disposition it doesnt matter if its a dog or human being one should think carefully about what they do..for instance i have always loved the canine..man's best friend,my favourite pooch has always been and will always be the british bulldog, it colour, lines and temperament make it a glorious companion and when you get one you know that its had hundreds of years of proper breeding ..its lineage is impeccable but you only have to look at some of the disasters that walk around the parks and streets and i'm not just referring to the dogs here, some of the owners are pretty mongrel like as well...whats laughable are these people that buy these so called designer dogs that are bred to be very intelligent,like people,dont shed hair and can poop on command..names like Labradoodle, Cavoodle,Spoodle,Moodle and so on....these dogs are plainly and simply mongrels...and its doesnt matter how much they cost..a mongrel is a mongrel and my pedigree is still a pedigree...ok my bulldog may be the result of inbreeding with mother and son or brother and sister but apart from the hip displaysia and deformed palate and oh yes the spinal problem and impossibility of natural birth, my bulldog is a beautiful healthy specimen that the Kennel Club can have great pide in...Tartly Roud

An Aussie Saint

What this country needs is someone we can look up to and provide us with some hope for the future, someone who is above moral reproach and represents the wholesome values of this great country..at first i thought of Kylie Minogue but as far as I'm aware she isn't departed as yet and i think our saint should be non living, though I'm not sure you have to be dead to be a saint.The great Robert Menzies would have been a hot favourite had he not sold so much pig iron to the Japanese who then bombed us and our allies with it during the second great war,that was extremely unfortunate but how was he to know there was a world outside Australia and the mother land...god bless her...another possibility could have been the inimitable Ned Kelly as he had great qualities, robbing from the rich and giving to himself and apart from trying to kill a couple of hundred troopers and derailing a train , he was a renowned inventor and managed to destroy a perfectly useful plough and make armour that no man could physically wear for longer than 10 minutes and then get shot numerous times between his armour wear...though a saint should would not hole up in a pub and preferably take hostages..all in all it seems Mary Mckillop is probably as good an option for Sainthood that we have unless the Great Dame Edna Everage leave this mortal world which i hope and pray should never happen..Tartly Roud

My top Ten sayings

Its interesting these days with many people using the Queens english being absolutely abused and butchered by many an ignormaus...I revere speaking eloquently and judge many a person by their eloquotion and word choice...its paramount to being a friend of mineself.Thus i have my top ten sayings..1.Its always nice to be important but better to be rich.2.Cleanliness is next to godliness and Tartly Roud.3.Diamonds may be forever but good looks is priceless.4.To err is human but i'm not human, i never err.5.Better to have loved and sign a pre nup than do the family fortune.6.Ferrari is a fast car but Rolls Royce is a way of life.7.Do unto others before they do it to you.8.Make love and then make more love and then war if you have any energy left.9.Dont make friends with poor people as they will always want a loan, refusal may offend.10.God moves in mysterious ways thats why he created ugly people...obviously i have many more sayings that i live by and thats why i'm so happy..Tartly Roud

Mine Hair

These days its quite pitiful to see grown men struggle to cope with the impending march of the mane heading south...all the programmes promise a thick head of hair and a guarantee of a bevy of beautiful but dumb blondes, due to pefect genes my hair is impeccable and and makes quite a coiffure..there's no doubt i have some sympathy for these poor misguided, gullible fools.Personally i treat my hair with the utmost respect,only quality hair products from expensive shampoo's and conditioners and nice Gels and Mousses..hair maybe dead protein but its my ticket to ride...everywhere i go , people say to me you have the most beautiful head of hair, its true but like all great things in life you have to be prepared to creat your own beauty..i did....Tartly Roud

Christmas and Potatoes

Tis the season of joy and all things festive , we send cards and best wishes to relatives we don't like and hope we only have to see at some funeral or wedding where our attendance is a necessity or clan war will break out...that's what it's like when you are independently wealthy and your outlaws are poor as church mice and suffer from poor breeding...though they have never stolen the silver from my humble mansion(only because i hide it)...I distinctly remember being a naughty boy one year and my father and mother said to me that i will only get a Santa sack full of potatoes if i keep being obstreperous,as i child i never knew what that word meant but on that Christmas morning i rushed to my sack that appeared full of magnificent toys and alas to my shock and horror there was my Santa sack full of Pontiac potatoes...yes that left me scarred and bitter....though i did eat a lot of potatoes that summer both steamed in their jackets and whipped with butter on top... Tartly Roud

Mr.Dinner jacket

Much of the world these days is ruled by intelligence, intelligence is what separates me from the average run of the mill human being..intelligence organisations and the information they attain helps governments develop policies of engagement and alliances accordingly with other countries ,one such group are the MI5 and MI6 which not only very secretive but they also receive very healthy discounts at Harrods and most McDonald's fast food franchises. MI5 and MI6 are directed and under the auspices of the British government...accordingly they have just announced that the blood thirsty Iranians have developed a nuclear trigger which is the precursor to a nuclear bomb..it's not dissimilar to a light switch you can purchase from most Bunnings Warehouse for 45.95 PLUS GST. Naturally enough everyone is rather tense at the prospect of this member of the axis of evil having a weapon of mass destruction.Thankfully the peace loving Israeli's have nuclear weapons as well and are authorised to use them on any body that tends to sound like they are gargling yoghurt whilst talking..the other thing of great comfort is that MI5 is very rarely wrong..oh well except for Iraq and the weapons of mass destruction faux pas...but that could have happened to any good intelligence organisation...Tartly Roud

Berlusconi and the Statue

All heads of state face a difficult job these days trying to please the plebes, making the hospitals function,provision of police,good edcuation and so on..and on some occasions politicians face true physical danger..take for example of near deadly attackon George Bush in Afghanistan before the end of his career, a crazed journalist launched a double shoe barriage that barely missed the most powerful and intelligent man the U.S has ever invented, lets not forget that even Ronald Raygun(known for his love of all things Spacial)nearly copped a deathly bullet and just now the much loved Italian Leader( and i do mean much loved and loving) Billionaire Silvio Berlusconi was struck down by a U.F.O , which in fact was a plaster statue of a beautiful cathedral..the result a few broken fangs and a bent nose...the Italian Stallion was a little dazed but will live to throw the proverbial leg another day..thank god...Tartly Roud

Susan Boyle and the Baritone

Unlike most common people, i have been lucky to be blessed with a magnificent voice that could have seen me be one of Australia's favourite sons, just like Peter Allen though a much more manly version i assure you...Yes singing was my life and many an hour was spent as a child in the little boys room reaching the high notes and dare i say it, the low notes as well . Its amazing how many tone deaf fools are on television on these so called talent quests and quite frankly they are hopeless fools and barely half brained...but one woman who is far from dim witted and off key, is my Scottish rose "Susan Boyle"... as a single man who still sings like an aroused canary and with the mane of a tiger i am more than prepared to wait for a woman who has the throat kissed by an angel but still unanafraid to broach profanity...Tartly Roud

An Inconvenient Truth

As i emerge from from a steamy revitalising 40 minute shower everywhere i look people and do gooders are saying we must reduce CO2 emissions, frankly my life is busy enough with social engagements and travelling to my favourite far flung off places around this vast globe..i simply feel that a Rolls Royce and petrol are made to be together just like two young lovers as i stoke my rather large ornate open fire place that burns 15 tonnes of lush red gum and yellow box timber from my local forest every year...lets not think that i am not concerned with this whole climate change furore...yes its very concering but lets be rational and sensible ,its not like the world is going to end tomorrow and why ruin one persons quality of life simply to save the planet...Tartly Roud

Rolls Royce versus Hyundai

When i drive around in my british marquee or should i say for the plebes Rolls Royce i feel that the world is a better place..back to times when the real things in life that were important..such as education, breeding,the shape of one's nose and where you reside...these days there's all this new gaudy money and frankly i find it quite annoying...but getting abck to my world...the Rolls Royce represents everything that i love in life...quality,integrity,stability and something that few can afford...yes i can appreciate one of those old korean made hyundai's and those that drive them like crazed fanatics but there is no way I, Tartly Roud would be seen dead in one...well not unless my Silver Ghost suffered some major catastrophic failure....Tartly Roud

War By Appointment

The thing i like about war these days is that its so civilised and timely, unlike the old days when invasion was a mish mash and disorganised, then the battle and oh yes the completition of hostilities...no these days we have all the modern conveniences such as Satellites, blackberries, ipods,notebooks and so on and with our amazingly busy schedules we cant afford to fight wars for ever and plus we have other things to do like build economies,look after our peoples and the space programme...thats why i like Obama..he has the ability to run this world like a major corporation and he sticks to his business plan no matter what is happening around him...yes the war will be finished at 5.00 pm on Saturday the 24th of June 2011...thanks for attending and look forward to catching up soon..Obama.....Tartly Roud

Tony Abbott Undressed

Frankly i like the budgie smugglers and I've always judged a true man by the way he wears them or chooses not to..by way of which i don't trust someone who's not prepared to launch himself to the peoples of this great land in nothing but a thin veil of Lycra covering his manly parts...Tony Abbott is one such man whom i have much manly admiration for...I'm not sure if he ever wears clothes as i only ever seem to see him in his smugglers,He seems to live in them 24/7, whether its at the the beach, up the street, press conference or the opening of parliament, there he is in the bulging smugglers putting it out there for all to admire....strangely this takes me back to one of this country's greatest exponent of the budgie smugglers...Harold Holt....though lets not forget that the Budgie Smugglers and the Chinese can be a very dangerous mix...Tartly Roud

Getting Organic for $800

when one wants to make a difference in this world we have to get up and instigate change..not for just ourselves but for the whole world..that's why i decided on building an exquisite chicken pen and run...not that i was to build this chookmahal myself..no i would delegate this business to a labourer who worked cheap and cheerful..needless to say my accommodation was and is the best in the district...there's no way i wanted my girls slumming it in my backyard..it makes you feel good that you are getting organic and getting back to nature..so you can imagine when i grappled with my first egg from one of my 5 ladies...it was a glorious moment i savoured that beautiful golden egg...though it only cost mineself around $800 it was truly delightful ,there it was on a sliver of toast and perfectly poached with a lovely cup of tea....Tartly Roud

Kill the baker

When one is a fairly social being and has lots of friends its not uncommon to have many soiree's...just the other day i had an exquisite luncheon planned and were preparing my cucumber and truffle club sandwiches and to my absolute shock and horror three pieces of mine bread had significant holes in them..what sort of baker does this..its totally unacceptable and thus i rang him with my wrath...yes i gave him a good dressing down and in the end he was sympathetic to my cause and offered mineself a new loaf but as anyone who knows about dinner parties and club sandwiches the pieces must fit exactly...what was i to do with the sandwiches already made...i had to eat them mineself..and thus i did and no, that baker will never have my custom again...Tartly Roud

Tiger Hit A Fire hydrant

Dare i say that i am mortified at the publicity and haranguing of one of the worlds greatest sporting legends...is it that strange to wake up at 2.00 am in the morning and want some take away food and jump into your luxury sports four wheel chariot and then proceed to crash through a fence ..the fire hydrant...then bang your head and your wife rush to the scene and use a 3 iron to break the back window when the door was unlocked and save her husband from the police...and then deny the police access to your being for 4 days...i think this is a completely normal event and nothing peculiar at all...the only way it may have been strange and a little on the weird side was if Tiger was on his way to rendezvous with Chrissy Evert Lloyd and Martina Navratilova for some early morning putting practice...Tartly Roud