Wedded Bliss

Never before have i been so shocked and confused...Tartly doesnt scare very easy and has been known to have confronted some very serious situations over the years...just like the time when i was holed up in a dreadful hotel in India during the heady 70's,  whilst on secondment for the Australian Government in Calcutta, here was Tartly faced with the dire siutation of no soap and a drinks bar that had no Glenfiddich Scotch Whiskey, yes i was wild and rampaging like a wounded bull...how dare they think that a man of my culture could survive without a lovely milk soap on my fair english skin or a wiskey that is smoother than a babies bottom with a touch of ice...was it too much too ask....i think not...no wonder we left that hell hole after they wanted to defrock the Grand English sewing machine(Singer) for a cheap copy from Czechoslavakia...though i digress....it has come to my esteemed attention that there are so called men in this country that are wanting not only to kiss each other...shock , horror but want to enter wedded bliss....i dont know where i must have been sleeping but since when have good looking strong men wanted to kiss other good looking strong men...i've never heard of such balderdash....what these men need are a good thrashing with a Cat O Nine Tails or to be sent to do some manly things, like fight a war in Afghanistan on horseback...maybe a war on terror, why not join a gentlemans football club and play fullforward for a season or two...mark my words there'd be  no bottom slapping going on there...maybe even take up El Greco wrestling with all those oil lathered bodies and tight grips...they didn't call them the full nelson for nothing...yes that was after one of my great forebears...Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson...now there was a man if i ever knew one....but let that be a story for another day....no kissing men there...though i feel i  digress...let me say this' when our beloved Commander in Chief...Lord Tony Abbott hears of this madness of men kissing men and getting married...he will raise the stakes like a lone poker shark in that den of eniquity,  Las Vegas....no,mark my words, there's only one institution that can bring a grown man or boy to his knees....the Catholic Church....now there's a wholesome, god fearing, manly institution if we ever had one in this great country of ours....yes the Catholic church, though i cant stand the pope, he  will surely  rectify the situation(pardon the disgusting pun) of this so called marriage equality saga.....hopefully by the time Tartly's afternoon nap passes, it will all have been just a bad dream....till then ....tootily poops Tartly   ,

The Pacific Cruise solution

As i sit back and enjoy a stiff hand crafted Martini whilst lounging upon my most expensive Chesterfield....i think of all those boat loads of people who are trying to penetrate(emphasis on penetrate) our robust defences to set up shop here and make their fortune opening Kebab shops or driving taxis. Many rich people are worried, but i have no fear, thats why we have the Australian Navy, to protect us from these very dangerous foreign threats.As a rich person i would find it totally unacceptable that like an unwanted guest at a wonderful 4 hour luncheon, these peoples arrive, uninvited trying to eat our gorgous truffle patte. Yes i accept that some maybe in fear for their lives or suffered immeasurable torture and suffering but how can Tony Abbott be sure they aren't Chinese spies who have had facial surgery to look like Afghani tribesman or  Syrian rug traders ....If everyone who wanted to come here made a proper booking and could wait 2 or 3 years for an interview we could then determine who were world class weight lifters or great batsmen then with a small deposit....say of $500,000 Australia dollars we  could help them escape persecution on a  Qantas kangaroo.....obviously if some of them possessed an amazing sporting ability that could help us win an Olympic gold medal or some world title,   obviously we could fast track that person into this great country of ours. The last thing this great country of ours needs are people with personal issues , no money, no love of the monarchy and whom think that freedom from persecution a god given right. Time for another Martini, yes as i was saying if we listened to those green unwashed communists and labor bully boys they'd have us adopt a compassionate and humane approach and join the United Nations Human Rights Commission. In my humble and wise opinion it might pay the plebes and non intellectuals of this world to think about this one serious fact....if there were no refugees and troubles in this world then the human rights commission would not have a job, yes thats right, and so by dragging refugee boats back to whence they come from we are helping keep the UNHRC employed and thats all thanks to this forward thinking Liberal government, lead by our man of iron...Tony Abbott....lets not forget unemployment is allegedly hell...though i digress...me thinks i can feel another cricket world title coming our way very soon, if we can get some refugees from England or New Zealand..... tootily poops Tartly        

The Budget

The budget is something as an intellectual ,I take very seriously....Tartly,s father Lord Byron of Montegu would always espouse the following, remember Tartly these two things in life....firstly death is final and the second, once the soufflé has risen it will rise no more. Yes I always pondered those wise words from the Great wise one and carried that with me on this journey of life. Budgets are like soufflés....not everyone likes them...in fact i abhor them....real men prefer meat or something that has died violently...if there's no blood how can we espouse our manliness....Spartacus wouldn't have eaten a salad or tofu burger... Though I digress....the do gooders whinge and whine about Lord Abbots budget...these communists want us to share the wealth, God forbid that this would ever happen, if we did that then there wouldn't be a rich and poor, the have and the have nots...that's why our two tier system works so well....we have our place and they have there's,preferably not in our double bay...Which reminds me why hasn't Tony Abbott been made a proper Lord yet, God knows he deserves it  for supporting our wonderful monarchy and saving this great country from the abyss of Labors errant ways. No Tony Abbott is a true visionary and has the uncanny ability to understand the philosophical intricacies of global fiscal economics and dare i say a good friend to the cause of coal mining... Which reminds me it may be time to offload some dirty bricks. How  that  Pygmy of a man ,Bill Shorten could try and wrench my hard earned offshore investments  to pay taxes and as such is an affront to any wealthy elitist such as my good self. Luckily I sit in my chaise lounge supping my mulled wine with aubergine pate trying to calm my nerves from this horrendous fiscal attack ,whilst my wealth grows expedidentially of course. Yes the budget can be a real bastard and I choose to suffer in silence tootily poops Tartly

Why we need poor people in our lives.

Let me first say i have no intention of having a poor person in my life...simply because you cannot enjoy oneself hearing the miseries of those that dont have independent wealth and drive old cars. But let me say this, one cannot truly enjoy ones wealth without having some poor people in your vicinity, this doesn't mean that in any way  i want those poor people living near me, but i do enjoy observing from a distance the struggles of the plebes. Simply we wealthly, need poor people to feel good about ourselves, Once i travelled to Monaco...what a terrible holiday, all these super rich people lauding themselves here and there, it was just sickening, i was virtually ignored, as if my wealth was insignificant. A lot of Non English peoples in Monaco too, i thought we british invaded them many centuries ago but obviously not well enough. Anyway i couldn't wait to get away from the Monacans and get back to lovely Sydney where poor people abound. Yes never let it be said that i dont care for the poor people, because thats definitely not true....more power to them, as long as they stay poor....tootily poops Tartly